Yesterday, I decided to take a “stroll” down a part of the internet I’ve not been in years – the pages of Relationship counsellors and experts. It was fun. I learnt a lot. Oh, I did. But I also noticed that, in almost all cases pertaining to people that were seemingly very much in love suddenly leaving a relationship, most of my colleagues chalked the issues up to “falling out of love.” I find that strange actually.
It’s not unusual these days for one to, for instance, discover two individuals that, in all manners of reality, “are in love” but just finding it impossible to be together beyond few weeks or months – and yet finding it impossible to let go of one another beyond weeks or months too.
Should in case you find yourself in one of these “impossible to stay with, impossible to stay without” relationships, I’ve got 2 thoughts to offer you – one, pleasant, the other, not-so-pleasant.
The not-so-pleasant thought: The inadequacies, terrible communication, suppressed rage and fear etc. existing between you both would most likely not go away – it may continue tearing you both apart.
The pleasant thought: The “affectionate pull” existing between you both is so formidable, it most likely won’t break.
The idea that people may fall out of love ain’t the culprit behind you both not being together, you aren’t truly together ‘coz both of you gave way to inadequacies, suppressed rage, terrible communication, fear etc to decide the course of your relationship.
Read the signs:
1. From both ends, there’s no doubt in the love you share. By “love,” I mean, the real deal. The “we-know-and-accept-all-ugly-shit-about-each-other” kind of love. Infact, its so very much clear to you both that “this is exactly what I want” and even to the family and friends, you’ll both make great couples. However, its always turning out impossible for you both to be together.
2. One year (plus) gone – several “goodbyes” still, you both are attempting to “work things out.” Thoughts about quitting has come up on both sides, however, its almost like some greater force wouldn’t allow you both to quit.
3. There’s a recognition of “the problem” on both sides, it has been openly discussed, faults have been admitted; and for every moment you both return to the relationship, sincere efforts are made made from both ends to see things work out, sadly though, it always ended on some “good bye” note weeks or months later.
4. There never are exchanges of insults or swear words each time you quit – in fact, there’s never bitterness at all, rather, you have things like “OK, this is difficult, we both love each other deeply but I have to see to it that you’re happy,” or, “today I’m walking away from my greatest love story,” etc. There’s just no bad blood or crazy back and forth, no, just two individuals that has come to terms with the situation of things and decided to part ways – even though they’re crazy in love.
5. Despite the separation, you both still act like “couples.” Constant calls and messages, long fun conversations – even regarding the break-up (without sour moods attached), fun friendly outings – all happening without you both having a “relationship.” That is, things usually get really really better between you both after quitting.
6. Love just doesn’t feel like “love” even when you discover it with other people you’ve both attempted having relationships with.
7. For every successful comebacks you both stage, things get better than they previously were before your last goodbyes. You both always identify with this fact, however, deep within, both of you also know that probably ain’t going to be enough as a “tool” to keep your relationship permanent.
8. You’re surfing through this piece and it feels almost as though the writer has been stalking you and taking into account ALL of your experiences – since every one the “signs” mentioned describe your relationship to the latter. While you always knew he/she is “the one,” you just confirmed it.
Oh! Hey! Hold still. Should in case every one of these 8 signs (ALL OF THEM) are occurring in your love life, then, you’re probably running some really great relationship, and who knows, you just might be telling a real beautiful story about it someday. However, is this enough to conclude you both were made for each other?
Depends. If you both aren’t able to properly handle your inadequacies, terrible communication, suppressed rage, fear etc – then, the “on-off-on relationship” would persist. Eventually, an adult would emerge from the infantile push-shove-push and walk away.
Reassess your approach to your issues now!
Perfect is boring, to be human is beautiful.