Hmmm! It appears my dictionary is out of date. I need to update the app.
Personally, I don’t understand this English language again. My android smartphone is apparently too smart for its own good. I looked up the word Lie, and there, in all its bespectacled grinning glory, was the visage of our minister for misinformation, alhaji Lienus Ezeashi Mohammed.
To further add to my confusion and confoundment, I looked up the word “grasscutter”
And instead of seeing a giant cane rat, as the biologists and taxonomists classify the tasty rodent, I find the face of the secretary general of the federation, a certain Babachir Lawal. By now, I was getting more than a little concerned. In a bid to clear up the meanings once and for all, I looked up the word “hypocrite”, and my unmitigated shock and horror, there was the face of our own Mpa Nnukwu, the Boo of Harry, the Grand Patron of the Fulani Men from Hades, our own Superblogger President, the hardest working man from home, General Muhammadu Okechukwu Nwakerendu Buharinda Ikeji.
Flabberwhelmed and overgasted do not do me justice right now. I have been wondering how I got to have these mixups on my phone. Up until two weeks ago, my smartphone was behaving alright, at least until that last update…
I’ve got it!
I must have updated my app from the Nigerian section of the app store. This talk about buying Naija to grow the naira has apparently turned around to bite us in the butt.
You know what? Blame the Nigerian section for being brutally honest.
If you think the above excerpt is anything apart from fiction, you need to get your head examined.
But if such a thing were to happen, can someone tell me where exactly to fix the blame?
After spending 49 days, and close to $11 billion (yes, dear reader, his trip cost us that much), our ailing father figure Geriatric president has been confined to the other room, or perhaps we should say the other suite, ruling from behind closed doors like a theocratic Jehovah ruling from inside the Holy of Holies in the temple. And this is to say nothing of the fantastic amounts spent on the health center at the Presidential Villa, which easily exceeds the amount spent on the entire health acilities in any given zone of the federation.
Apparently we wanted a President, perhaps we would have settled for a king, but we have gotten a god. A god so high and mighty that he can not be bothered to hobnob with mere mortals at the Federal Executive Council Meetings that are supposed to chart the course of the nation he campaigned so vigorously to lead. If this was the plan, to contest three straight elections back to back, and after becoming president, quickly become too big for his boots, then I’m afraid his supporters wasted their votes. They should simply have allowed him exercise his divine power to get into the position of president.
And on the off chance that Lie Mohammed’s story about the president “being in good health, but choosing to work from home” is false, and that the president is really sick, let me take you on a trip down memory lane. Sometime in 2010, our then-president, the late Umaru Musa Yar’Adua, was in bad shape physically, and was getting treated outside our shores. He had left the country in the hands of our now-venerated-now-vilified ex-president, a certain man from Otuoke who was famous for being true to his name, or his name being true to him. But more about goodluck later.
This same deity, this Buhari, the indefatigable ex general who clings tenaciously to the mirage that he is okay and able to rule, albeit from behind closed doors, was famously quoted in that year 2010 to have encouraged the impeachment of President Yar’Adua, a man who was his better in every way (yes, I said it, Buhari isn’t good enough to be Yar’Adua’s footmat, talk less of shoe rag), simply because the president was ill, an illness from which he sadly did not recover. Yet president Buhari clings to the seat, refusing to relinquish it to healthier and more capable hands, just so he can push forward the northern agenda (please, editor, insert a link to that post here) and hold on to whatever illusion of power he has swindled himself into believing he has.
My question now is: where are those people who joined him to pretend concern for the country and ask for Yar’Adua’s impeachment so that there would not be a lacuna in government and the country could move forward? Perhaps these pictures will help refresh your memories.
My opinion? They are men of excellent breeding, who have impeccable table manners and as such, will not interrupt the meal they are currently having, dining with the APC, to ask the pertinent questions that they so pointedly asked a mere seven years ago.
When they finish chewing, they will swallow. One day the meal will end. And we will be waiting for them to talk.
If they don’t, their so-called integrity is rubbish.
Soyinka and Co, I’m talking to you.
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