The internet is a wonderful thing, I tell you. But sometimes, I don’t like the Internet.
It’s okay when I’m watching funny videos like those ones where safe, jovial pranks are played on unsuspecting people. I also like those touchy, tear-jerking videos of dogs rescuing their owners or showing gratitude for something their owner has done. For these, I can spend hours on Instagram or YouTube.
But whenever I come across news articles, pictures and videos that turn my stomach, give me nightmares for days, or just have me shaking my head real hard, I start to wish the internet didn’t exist. I mean, this internet is throwing people into unnecessary competitions with total strangers, some half way across the world, who are unaware of each other’s existence.
The one that has me gnashing my teeth at the moment, are the extremists that jump on social media trends and yeyerize it. I’m not saying things didn’t trend before social media; of course, they did. Back then, it was bragging about the newest joint, club or restaurant you’d gone to. When the mobile phone came, some people stole, lied, and slept with moneybags in order to own expensive phones which are obsolete today.
Take pre-wedding photos, for instance. The old-school practice was to take one perfect shot, which was used on the wedding invitation cards, program, and souvenirs. Then people began to hire high-tech, professional photographers and do full-blown photo-shoots. Themes emerged for these shoots: teacher-student, papa and mama in seventies clothing, Cleopatra and Mark Anthony, palm wine tapper and village maiden, girl hunter tying up the man like a captured goat. You name it, and it has been done.
While we were still grappling with this new phenomenon, wedding blogs began to feature engagements. Before you could say ‘Otapiapia’, the extremists came out in full force. One girl I know, has been engaged since 2015. Then two weeks to her wedding last year, she asked Bobo to go on one knee and propose again. This time, she was properly ‘surprised’, shed tears of joy, screamed ‘Yes!’ and extended her well-manicured finger for the ring. All these were professionally videotaped, photographed and sent to a popular wedding blog for posting.
Even this one takes a backseat to one I saw on Instagram last week. This Russian dude wanted to propose to his girlfriend, who’s a nurse. So, he had a surgeon cut open his stomach and put the engagement ring in the wound. Then Bros carried himself to the ER and insisted that Bae should attend to him.
The unsuspecting girl opened the makeshift bandage, felt around the wound, saw something shiny inside and took out the blood-caked ring with a pair of tweezers. Nnyama! All the while as I watched the video, I kept screaming, “What the hell?! What the absolute hell did I just watch?!”
If I say the trend doesn’t make sense now, someone will come and come and remind me that I’m single to stupor. So, let me drink Panya garri and face my front.