Let me introduce myself o. My name is Udeme and I am a single woman living in one of Nigeria’s metropolitan cities. I don’t own a car, so I depend almost solely on public transportation to move around.Since we’ve got mostly cabs in this city, I’m always using one. It’s not like there aren’t any buses; there are, but they’re oh-so-slow. Like, before those things get to my destination, I’m ready to strangle the driver and his conductor.
Since these my waka waka are often filled with drama, I’m going to start sharing them with you. Today’s own was one kain—I didn’t know if I wanted to laugh or cry. Keep reading, you’ll understand worram talkabout.
I was the only one in the cab, and I was seated in front. The cab was flying down the highway and I was enjoying the cool breeze, when two lawyers garbed in their black and white threads, came out from a nearby court and flagged down the taxi. The driver slowed to a stop.
“Driver, Federal Housing junction,” the taller of the two said, his head bent down to the window level.
“Enter,” the driver said. They both got in and we moved on again.
At the back, they continued a previous conversation, then flitted from subject to subject, until they settled on cancer. That’s when my ears perked up.
Man One: “….that’s why women are more prone to cancer. Those promiscuous ones keep getting cancer, because of the different men they sleep with.”
Man Two: “How do you mean?”
“You see, when they sleep with different men, their vaginas become confused because of the different penises. The sizes are different, the weights are different. So, the confusion now makes the woman’s body react negatively and they now develop cancer.”
“Wow! You don’t mean it?! I never knew this o!”
At this point, I turned back, wondering whether the second man was humouring his colleague. But by the serious look on his face, he was very serious about what he was ‘learning’ from his colleague.
“Yes o, multiple sex partners causes any type of cancer in women.”
“Even breast cancer?” the second man asks, his voice doubtful.
“Yes. My brother, you don’t know the kind of confusion a woman’s body experiences when she starts sleeping with different men,” the first lawyer reiterated.
“Ah, you’re so knowledgeable about so many things o. De Barr, de Barr…” the second man hailed his friend, his countenance that of wonder and admiration.
“I’ve been around, my brother. That’s why I know these things. I’ve been around,” Man One acknowledged the praise with a smug look.
How did these ones pass the bar finals, you’re wondering? Well, so am I. You thought you’d heard every weird thing under the sun? Well, so did I.
Abeg, I rest my case.