So, a couple of days ago, the entertainment reality show that was keeping Nigerians busy for close to 90 days finally came to an end. If I didn’t know better, I would say that the government planned the show under the cover of the main sponsor to deviate our attention from the whole economic mess and financial despair. But what do I know? They are arresting people bloggers and social critics these days so let us face awa front.
Country that cannot provide distracting tactics, is that one country?
Anyways, Big Brother Naija ended with the winner, Efe emerging 25 million naira richer. I guess all those chants of Warri, Warri, Warri (even though he was born and bred in Jos) finally paid off.
Reality TV show winner that cannot carry Bible and shout Warri three times, is that one winner?
If you ever think of hammering through reality TV shows, here are seven things you must do if you want to win.
You think Nigerians will vote for you if you don’t speak pidgin 15 times a day? Look at you! Lastma! Please let me advise you as a beloved sister. When next you want to go for a reality TV show in Nigeria, just go as a saint. You may need to be a sinner at the auditions and display your wild side but the moment you qualify, please just carry Bible and pray all the psalms there every morning. Don’t forget to shout Warri 7 times and speak pidgin throughout your stay. This way, Nigerians will “relate” to the “poor boy” from the Bronx and vote for you.
To avoid eviction, you have to do a lot of shining teeth and kumbaya singing. Be friendly to all and sundry and offer to cook for everybody like the mother goody goody you are. Focus! Play the game and play it well.
Reality show star without wife material-ness is that one reality TV show star? Greet everybody when you wake up in the morning. Remember, the world is watching.
Be the low key Neighborhood snitch
Haaa! Can you do amebo well well? Can you snitch on your fellow housemates while pretending to be Mother Theresa? Can you knack two peoples head together and pretend you don’t know what went wrong? Good. BBN 2018 is for you. When you get to the house and your housemates catch you snitching, just flair up and take offense. After all, you are just being “yourself’.
Faux humility will get you everywhere in this country. To be honest, not many people want you to be better than they are. For this reason, ‘humility’ sells in this country. Whip up a few stories of how hunger is killing you and your unborn generation. Don’t forget to shed a few tears while telling this story. Take up the cloak of the poorest of the poor. Don’t forget that you need to make Nigerians feel like they are helping your destiny. Chants of “Na who I be?” may also come in handy.
Try to have small Sense
Housemate that cannot sing national anthem is that one housemate? Don’t be like T-Manipu-olodo or like Anambra slay queens who think B is for Busu. There are things you should know from nursery school sef: States and their Capitals and the new President or Governors immediately they are sworn in. If you are a Zimbabwean close to 40 years of age, don’t even stress yourself. Mugabe is the answer to everything.
If shouting Warri seven times will not save you, being entertaining will make you the winner. Ask Karen of Big Brother Africa. If you don’t win, you will come a close second. Ask Bisola of the recently concluded BBN 2017. Entertainment sells but remember to be humble, sha…you don’t want what happened to Gifty to happen to you!
Have nice breasts
Won’t you give pervs something to talk about and look forward to seeing every day? Who will keep the shower hour interesting?
Caveat: You may not win when you have nice breasts but I’m sure a few Alhaji’s can make you a “private” winner.
All is well that ends well.