This particular d*ck head lecturer during my under-G days inspired this article…
After I missed his quiz he swore I didn’t deserve a makeup test and as a result, I ultimately lost 30points. Cruel, right?
Nigerian lecturers can either make or mar your stay in the University. In most Nigerian universities lecturers run the show. They determine who passes, who wouldn’t, who shouldn’t and who should. Every Nigerian graduate ought to be familiar with the sorting process; pay for a course if you so badly want to pass it. This is just one of the many ways lecturers sap the hell out of students.
Here’s a list of the many kinds of lecturers you’ll find on campus. Understanding their idiosyncrasies can help you deal with them.
The laid back
These ones are particularly the hottest lecturers you’ll find on campus. When I say hot, I mean sultry, warm and collected. Their packaging is just out of this world and their accent is sick. They stick to the curriculum. They possess the best pedagogical etiquette. If they eventually call for a voluntary three-some, students wouldn’t mind waiting in line. Their quiz is usually easy and they do not take pleasure in failing students.
These ones are businessmen/women clothed in civil service robe. First of all, they write unsolicited and completely irrelevant books. Then they squeeze it into the school curriculum and make it a must-read for students.
The worst part is the prices they tag on the books. They set ridiculously high prices. They earn almost 2 times their salary from the sale of one stockpile of books. You see them walk into class and say shits like,
“If you don’t buy this book you can’t pass my course”
This they say, even when the book is as unrelated to the course as chopsticks are to rice.
Tales by moonlight- that is their forte. Some of them don’t know shit about the course so they just come and tell unrelated stories. They abandon the curriculum and tell stories about how Nnamdi Azikiwe had the key to river Niger, or how they were the best brains in their days. Who cares?
Usually, the bulk of students enjoy their class because of the stories. But then again, hatred for the lecturer sets in right in the exam hall, after students eventually realize they were never taught jack about the course.
“Where and when did he teach us Relativity?”
While some lecturers worry about how to make money from books they authored, these ones particularly fantasize having coitus with all the female students. They threaten mostly the female students with failure, except they let them stick in their philandering genitals in them. Gross!!!
These types of lecturers disgust me, probably because they are the reason I was celibate for a whole year.
The Parenting lecturer
There’s always this lecturer who cares about students’ welfare. Sometimes they take out few minutes to advise students about life and encourage them to keep up the struggle. They understand the plights of students, or so it seems. And they are usually available to attend to as many students who are in need of some pep talk. Rather than call them “Dr” or “Prof”, students prefer to address them as “mummy” or “daddy”. They are virtually everyone’s guardian.
The Students’ man
These ones are usually graduate assistants or junior lecturers. They unofficially represent the interest of students among other lecturers. Don’t get me wrong, they are not exactly the best kind as they are usually the escrow between students who want to sort a course and the lecturer who owns the course. Sort of a middleman between the sorter and the sortee.
As long as its church, they can excuse you for missing their quiz.
These ones go as far as praying before and after their lecture. Even if they are biologists, they tell you God created the first man before telling you about evolution. Sometimes they derail from the course outline to preach about salvation. Students enjoy mocking every shit about them. Well, we’ll never know until the “last day”.