Dear President Buhari,
I woke up this morning with a lot on my mind and just as I was about to pour my mind out on paper, my head said to me:
“Viola, wakanda person are you? Are you alright? Are you tired of foraging for fuel like a hungry pack rat just emerging from the gutters? Is it that you don’t want to stay alive for a few more years at least, to be cursing Fashola anytime he flashes you light? Wakanda this? Taaaa!”
So, I listened to my head and decided instead, to pen this love letter to you.
You see President Buhari, you are a very intelligent man surrounded by a bunch of very intelligent people. That was why even if the cartoon sections of the newspapers that you like to read and “laughhhhh and laughhhhh and laughhhhhh” according to the olodos (oh sorry, very very brilliant people) that surround you – even when your fellow Nigerians are weeping from the burden of mismanagement of the economy that you and the ragtag bunch of ministers you took a whoooooooole six months to assemble, are inflicting on them you did what you did last week.
Even if the cartoon section of the newspapers did not tell you about the massacres and murders that occurred in Taraba just before you decided to go and shine your teeth at the wedding of the children of your political associates; didn’t the very intelligent people that surround you tell you that was a wrong move?
And refer you to their own comments when Jonathan attended a rally in Kano shortly after the Chibok drama started loading?
You see, all of you are very very brilliant.
You are also an adult.
We needed that woman who slaps on eye shadow like a drunken monkey to remind us of that because left to us, observing the way you have been handling the country, we would have put your chronological age circa 13, with the IQ and emotional intelligence of an 18 month old.
But don’t mind me, I didn’t say all that you just read above.
Remember that this is supposed to be a love letter.
So, if I understand Madam Eyeshadow Application as indicator of IQ well, the latest massacres are of “real” human beings from “real families”.
Es sir, in furtherance of my love letter, I just thought I would be epping your ministry (and mine too, who wan die?) by agreeing whole heartedly with her.
Because in Nigeria, there are actually only two categories of people. Anyone who says otherwise is a bigot and must be reminded of same daily.
In Nigeria, there are only two categories of people:
– The real people
– The ghosts
The real people are comprised of anyone who comes from Daura or is geographically affiliated to Daura in ever increasing circles.
We would have done this by region, except for the ever pesky detail of those double phantoms known as “Christian Northerners”.
They don’t exist and the Fulani Herdsmen will help make sure of that.
The real people are Hausa Fulani Moslems.
Every other person, myself included, is a ghost.
The children slain by your murderous rampaging kinsmen in Benue, Southern Kaduna, Jos, Ebonyi, Enugu, etc = ghosts.
The dapchi kidnappees = ghosts.
Tinubu and his band of desperate APCians – ghost.
MADAM eye shadow, the APC House slave = ghost.