Aunty Kemi – Patron Saint of Oluwole Documents – Pray For Us

Dear Aunty Kemi,

Thou patron saint(ess) of the oluwole documents, pray for us.

No seriously, pray for us.

Your head is on the chopping block today and even though we are not buying your weak ass defence for why a whooooooole you is presenting fraudulent NYSC exemption documents; the fact remains that Nigeria itself is oluwole. Na just manage we dey manage ourselves for now, make e no be like say we no too like ourselves or like say we dey suffer from “low safe of steam” sontin.

Your case is symptomatic of what we are as Nigerians.

Like I said earlier, you should have known better and not been like all those other brethrens of ours who submit medical results from native doctors

(all join na, doctor na doctor, no be by lab coat), diagnosing them of “malaria, ashmatics and penis wheezing respiration loss of appetite”. But your case is not too different. Exemption by fraud is exemption by fraud, but that is not the purpose of this missive.

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I know we are all very very angry with you at the moment, but that is because when we try to get a driver’s license for instance, from the vehicle inspection office anywhere in this country, they will force us to queue up like cattle for hours on end and yet we will see people who will come through the back door and collect their original license and waltz out of that place while we are still scratching eyes out over tally number.

So what do we do?

We start asking questions and whispering and next thing you know, roger will change hands and driving license go follow us reach house until the next road safety?VIO officer that stops us along the way declares the license an oluwole and seizes it. Then redirects us to VIO office where the same vicious circle plays out again.

All is feeding back into the system somehow somehow.

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The oluwole system of an oluwole country.

When you go to see a big man in his office, you have to “know the way”; to be granted audience and that way is not the physical directions to his office, no. It is usual one very serious looking, churcheous forming haunty secretary with a “teacher nwa njoku” wig precariously perched on her head. She will frown at you like she is the custodian of the keys to heaven and you are trying to force access even though she personally saw you soliciting one of those electric light huggers in Wuse Zone 4.

When you clear the road through this haunty, the gates of “heaven” will be thrown wide open and you will be able to see oga. Small wonder one of such specimens was arrested not too long ago in our recent history, with millions of naira shimmering in her account.

When police or sars or whatever other form those ones manifest in these days “arrest” or “threaten to arrest” you; what do you do? You clear road and are allowed to continue your way and yes, this is even if you are found in a car filled with guns with a gang of equally suspicious looking men who are visibly “high”. Extra points if there is evidence that you have just committed a crime on or around your person. Means you can roger well and can be given oluwole permit to proceed.

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It is only the wilfully (or deceptively) naive that pretend not to know that we have the most porous borders both for human beings and commodities that the world has ever heard of. Osama Bin Laden can resurrect now and stroll through our borders and be allowed past at any airport. The big question will be, “i ji kwa nchoncho”? Do you have enough “mma nwoke” to appease the officials who ought to be keeping their country secure from unscrupulous elements?

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