Dr. Cum: Marriage And The Discovery Of Self

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Hi Doc,

I’m in a 15 years old marriage which I ventured into since I was 17. I’ve experienced downtimes as well as great times in my marriage but for about 5 years now, I’ve been doubting the strength of the love I have for my husband – I’m no more sure I even loved him before in the first place.

Something happened 6 months ago, I came across the very first guy I ever dated on Facebook, we got talking and somehow, we met and started having a relationship again – I never would have thought this was possible as I’d promised myself never to cheat in my marriage.

He loves me so much, I love him too – in fact, what we share is more like an addiction. One other thing we share is – he is also married, with two kids – 5 and 8 year olds, he regrets being in the marriage though, but, according to what he told me, he’s only staying in the marriage because of his kids.

He made a promise to me – he would let his wife go in 2 years from now, and I believe him. He loves his kids to a fault and they’re the center of his world – this truly thrills me about him, I love that part of him so much, but things are in shambles at my own end.

Thinking of waiting 2 years till he leaves the mother of his kids alone kills me inside; that I may let go of my husband and venture into life alone – which I’ve never done before – gives me nightmares.

I wish I could somehow pull back from loving this man, its just not happening despite how much I’ve tried, I can’t help but love him. That I could someday wave him goodbye in its entirety frightens me to the point of panic. There just isn’t one person I’ve loved this much in my entire existence – I always had him in my heart even after we broke up years back.

According to him, what he feels is mutual with mine and he never stops telling me his thoughts have always been centered on me his whole life. A lot of people would be terribly hit by the thing I share with this man, and it truly hurts.

I’ve been very secretive about it though, hubby doesn’t suspect a thing yet, he was caught totally unawares the day l told him I want us to go our separate ways.

The other man doesn’t reside anywhere close to mine though, we’ve been talking about me moving somewhere close to his place till when we’re eventually able to get married but I have to be realistic, I know everything about this situation may eventually not favour me.

Oh God. How did I ever get myself caught up in this mess? I wish I could turn back the hands of time and no one would be hurt. I want to begin loving my hubby and feel nothing for this man, is that even possible? Nothing seems to be helping, even after I talked to a counsellor online. Please help me Doc.

Thanks.

Dr. Cum Replies:

Hi ma’am,

I’m so very sorry about the dilemma you’ve found yourself in. Here’s to hoping for better days ahead. We’ll handle this together, OK?

Now…here are my observations:

– You really were young and way inexperienced when you first ventured into marriage, you were 17.

– Despite the fact that you’ve been married for 15 years, you’ve not had even one opportunity to develop a sense of individuality for yourself. This is evident in that line of your’s;

“…that I may…..venture into life ALONE – which I’ve NEVER DONE BEFORE – gives me nightmares…”

OK, here are what these two observations translate to:

1. Being young and inexperienced upon getting married means you had a very high tendency to want to chase after those experiences you must have missed out of if only you were single and older than 17.

2. For a marriage to work – and stand the test of time – both partners must each possess a sense of individuality as much as they possess a sense of companionship. That is, each partner must be able to do things on their own – have personal goals – as much as they love doing things together. You never had this opportunity TILL THE MOMENT YOU MET YOUR EX, and it suddenly began looking like “wow, there’s a whole new world of possibilities out there.” YOU ARE SUBSTITUTING YOUR INDIVIDUALITY WITH THE FEELINGS YOU HAVE FOR YOUR EX.

Now,

You ask how you can begin loving hubby and feeling nothing for this man. I’m sorry, no one can help you with that. Love can’t be forced, and I hope your marriage hasn’t taken an impossible turn.

Still, I urge you not to make any sudden major decisions at this point. It never pays to rush – your marriage is a testament to that fact. In all my years of practice, I’ve noticed – over and over again – that, waiting is always the best cause of action in these sort of situations.

I’ll tell you something, I don’t think it would be wise to relocate too. It’ll be a major decision, especially if you’re considering your kids in all these. Just. Wait. Give it 6 months (minimum). Don’t burn your bridges just yet. I believe decisions would be less difficult to reach in six months’ time.

One more thing – that you’re afraid to venture into life alone – as it’ll be your first time – is a serious issue. You might need to work on your self esteem. You might need to go on a journey of self discovery. DEVELOP YOUR INDIVIDUALITY. If you can’t be happy being alone, you never can truly be happy being married. You might wonder why I’m being persistent over this – its quite simple, you no longer love your husband of 15 years and you feel the best move you could make is, falling for someone else. That’s awkward.

While there’s every tendency of you truly being in love with your ex, its still important that you built your self confidence – and perhaps, do things on your own for a while before taking any major decisions – chances are, after this time out, you might even find yourself being drawn back to your present husband, you don’t want that happening while you’re already married to another man, do you?

My verdict? Same as before – wait. But. Wait Alone. Do things alone. Discuss it with both men first. And yes, you can have your kids with you at your parent’s – while you wait – since your absence may prolly affect them.

I really do hope you feel better soon. Please don’t hesitate to write back to me as regards the turn out of things in future.

To be human is beautiful…

Dr. Cum

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