Dr. Cum: Multiple Lessons

So, this issue was sent to me a while back:

“Hi Doc,

I’m newly married but I left my hubby for a course in another state. I’m almost through though. The problem is, I do not trust him. Ok. I travelled to see him some weeks back and one of the neigbhours called to inform me that my hubby has a girl friend who sleeps in the house whenever I’m away. Although I confronted him, he never said yes or no. He only said “so you believe her”. Now, since I left him, going to a month, he has never said he misses me. We used to chat and talk about sex but he has stopped having that conversation with me. At times if I call, he wouldnt pick, with the excuse that he was meditating. I asked him severally wath d problem is. His response was “I am not a happy man. I need money”, I’m beginning to lose it. Although I have not caught him, I don’t trust him. I will be travelling finally in 10 days to join him. But I dont know how to address this issue. Pls advice me on what to do ‘coz I don’t want a divorce.”

Dr. Cum Replies:

Hi ma’am,

I’m truly sorry about the way you feel- I pretty much assure you; I understand the reason for your confusion, it’s all gonna be fine, ok? Good.

Now, HERE’S HOW IT ALL LOOKS FROM THE SURFACE:

– Since your husband’s neighbour told you your hubby’s got a girl friend; you’ve had your mind clogged with suspicions regarding his faithfulness to you…

*now you read meanings into every of his actions –

“…he never says he misses me…we used to chat and talk about sex…he has stopped having that conversation with me…he doesn’t pick his calls…meditates…”

…BUT THEN, he also said “…I need money…”

Ma’am, eventhough your hubby is getting it all wrong by not SECURING YOUR EMOTIONS as you truly require – the truth is, WHEN A MAN IS STILL TRYING TO MAKE HEAD WAY OR DISCOVER HIMSELF IN LIFE; IF UNDER PRESSURE, HE MAY SEE ALL YOUR CRAVINGS FOR HIM TO TEND TO YOUR EMOTIONS AS NOTHING BUT A HUGE DISTRACTION. The fact? We men have practical problem solving minds, so, most of us feel inadequate whenever we’re not financially ok. Its up to the woman to be able to understand her man during such periods.

Ok, now LET’S TAKE A CLOSER LOOK –

– his response when you confronted him about what you heard…

“…so you believe her…”

He never wondered (or asked) “why his neighbour said such” to you, PROBABLY ‘coz:

– he truly did it *and there was no point asking “why”*

Or

– his neighbour has always had “something” against him.

..etc..

Whatever the case may be, “something” is amiss – NOT NECESSARILY HIM CHEATING – and you need to find out what that “something” IS *if it isn’t what you already know*.

In addition, the fact that you are newly weds and he’s beginning to SUDDENLY come across as “emotionally distant” is another thing to worry about. *The first few years of most marriages are usually “passion filled”, so YES – there is more to his attitude. *but I don’t want you assuming he’s cheating just yet*.

One last possibility is…

– He may be pissed at you thinking you took the neighbours words above HIS.

Well, while I would have preferred we heard from your man so as to be able to give a balanced opinion on this issue, I’ll just have to work with your story and focus on repairing things basically from your own end. I would have to focus on your person, I hope I’m excused. OK.

My Advice –

– IF you don’t discuss these things, they’ll always disturb you, SO have a heart to heart with him the next time you’re home; calmly make him understand your “doubts” – and allow him explain things to you TILL YOU ARE CONVINCED. *please, be sure to talk about this at a very good time – not when he’s tensed or bothered over some issues*. If you can, BE READY TO FORGIVE SHOULD IN CASE YOU FIND OUT THINGS THAT HURT YOU – but then, he’ll also have to work to earn your trust back NO MATTER HOW LONG IT MAY TAKE*. Provided you’re able to achieve this – have him give you A PRACTICAL CRASH COURSE IN MIND BLOWING MAKE UP SEX. LOL

– Its a good thing you’re concluding your “course” soon so, ROUND UP YOUR PROGRAM, GO HOME, GET A JOB CLOSER TO YOUR HOME. While a man that hasn’t made up his mind would never quit cheating, still, *your home front is your territory, guard it confidently AND BE SUPPORTIVE OF YOUR MAN’S GOALS – *nothing could ever make him cherish you better*

– Do not make a habit of telling your business to third parties or demeaning your man outside, YOU’RE IN MARRIAGE WITH YOUR MAN, NOT WITH THE REST OF THE WORLD . People may “talk” – but be sure to continue ACTING by discussing whatever talks that “arouse your suspicions” with your hubby instead of BOTTLING THINGS UP INSIDE AND CAUSING YOURSELF TO REACT NEGATIVELY. *A woman ACTS, a girl REACTS, remember that.

– Give him peace. Its the foremost need of every man. I need not explain to you that HE MAY SEEK IT ELSEWHERE IF YOU DON’T GIVE IT TO HIM.

Though you said you don’t want “divorce” – it is in no way a good sign that you already thought of THE WORD so early on in your marriage, so I leave you with these thoughts…

“marriage isn’t random DATING that you hop in and out of, it is SERIOUS BUSINESS; in life, whenever THINGS get faulty, we REPAIR – WE DON’T THROW THEM AWAY, you want a lasting marriage? Apply this principle”

I really do hope things get better in your home front, please don’t hesitate to write back to me as regards your recovery.

Perfect is boring, to be human is beautiful…

Dr. Cum

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