Dr. Cum: On Men That Love Excessively

You were in search of an affectionate, self-reassured, exposed and self-sustaining woman that would not suffocate or attempt modifying your personality. For some reason, however, you find yourself being with some woman that explodes upon the most insignificant irritation – or for no reasons whatsoever – magnifies issues with exaggerated reactions and make trouble out of nothing at all. She screws your mind up so badly, you can’t even differentiate right from wrong any longer.

This moment it feels as though you’re loved, valued, regarded, supported and felt for, and in the moment after, you find yourself being labelled useless, selfish, disrespectful and several other sick “labels.” This also may, afterwards, be accompanied by a new episode of affectionate display, so very much so that it’s almost unfathomable to reconcile the idea of the same woman treating you as trash several days back.

As a matter of fact, the entirety of your relationship is defined by affectionate attitude accompanied by sporadic emotional meltdowns. You just can’t know what’s going to happen next. It steadily reaches some level that she’s ending the relationship on weekly basis. She calls off the relationship, you see yourself walking down a path paved with blended feelings of comfort and severe anguish.

Why this happens?

Because you belong to the group of “men that love excessively.”


There exists loads of essays and journals on the topic of women that love in excess, and in developed nations, one would even come by support systems for such females. However, there isn’t alot penned down regarding “men that love excessively”. I’ve come across so scanty research on this topic – and even these research works fail to examine men’s attitude under the lenses of “loving excessively.”

Overall, it may appear as though “men that love excessively” aren’t in existence because we men, are usually believed to be “emotionally insensitive”. But, aside the fact that I’m a man, in my years of practice as a relationship coach, I’ve come to the realization – and reached constant reassurance – that there exists as much “men that love excessively” as there exists women that love in excess.

I’m compelled to reference an idea expressed by Robin Norwood in one of her books, “to women that love in excess, loving translates as hurting.” Alot of such women are scared of finding themselves forsaken – or not shown love – to such great extent that they endure physically or emotionally abusive relationships, and even go as far as pronouncing themselves guilty for the ills bedeviling their relationships.

Robin Norwood draws a comparison between these type of relationships and substance addiction. That is, full time withdrawal, several weeks of being sober, then a re-lapse.

Unlike those women that have gone through the rigors of getting enlightened regarding their abnormal love for hurt/poisonous relationships, a lot of “men that love excessively” sadly, are not conscious to what’s happening. There are those that one would not even find agreeing to the fact that some woman they “are in love with” may not be fitting, won’t be a better person and what they have may not even work, whichever way they define “work.”

Sticking to the “mental drama” kind of thrusts on them some sort of unusual “identity,” I nicknamed this, “the quiet sufferer.” And, in same manner as women that love excessively, the men in this category do not only continue waiting on their woman to change, they also channel the guilt for every wrong turn the relationship takes to themselves. For some unexplained – or ridiculous reasons – they’re the cause of themselves being screamed at, labelled ridiculously, disgraced and at times, being slapped around.

I talk to these people, and every now and then, there are those that say things like, “I’m through, no going back this time around,” but few months down the line, they return, same exact woman, exactly same issues. And in case you are surfing through these article, you probably recognize the very thing I write of. You’re toying with the idea of running back into her arms “just this last time,” you have been allowing this relationship “the last chance” several times, but each time, it shapes out as another miserable off-on affair. Probably, this woman has even dumped you and went with some other guys, not a one time occurrence but plenty of times, you continue to accept her walking to and fro your life though. Why? You are “so much in love with her.”

If you fall into the category of these “men that love excessively,” my thought is – enlighten yourself about – what is behind your pull to “Elizabethan drama queens” or females that aren’t fitting for your personality, ways to rid yourself of this dangerous pattern, and probably, how – should in case you intend to still keep her, to form a sane relationship.

Unlike a lot of people that believe humans don’t change, I believe it is possible for even “Elizabethan drama queens” to yield to change, that is, on the condition that, the price/hurt of remaining unchanged far outweighs the price/hurt of yielding to change.

Simply put, if you continue permitting her drama, she has no reason to seek change.

To be human is beautiful.

Dr. Cum

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