When I say that real life is not just stranger and wackier than fiction, some people no dey gree believe me. Honestly, I have seen things! I tell you, I’m not making these stories up. Last week, it was two passengers almost coming to blows over what fruit Adam and Eve ate in the garden.
Today, it was a….it was…let me just tell you the story, biko.
I wanted to go and deliver clothes to a customer. So, I came out to the junction near my house and waited for a cab. After like twenty minutes, I was tired of the sun. I decided to board one of those trundling buses. That’s when a cab came along.
“Area Eight,” I said to the driver.
I got in, strapped on my seatbelt and we moved off. A man flagged down the taxi, but the driver kept going. Eh yaaah, he’s missed a customer, I thought. Barely two minutes later, another man flagged down the taxi and even shouted, “Area three,” which was along our route. But the driver didn’t slow down.
“Oga,” I said, pointing at the man we’d just driven past. “You don miss another customer o.”
“I no wan carry am,” he said, smiling at me. “Na you cause am, sister. See nah.”
I looked out the windshield and saw nothing interesting. I turned back to him and asked, “Oga, what am I supposed to see?”
He smiled again, slow, leering. Then he took one hand off the steering wheel and pointed downward. I followed the direction of his finger. My eyes widened as I stared wide-eyed at his crotch.
The man had a very huge and aggressive hard-on! I mean, the thing was threatening to tear his trousers!
Speechless, my eyes returned to his face; he was wearing a sheepish grin. “Sister, it’s your fault o. You’re too fine. See your body—see as your skin smooth.”
At this point, my jaws just refused to come together. I kept on staring, mute, and he kept on talking.
“My dear, you like it, ba? Me I know say, I can satisfy you. In fact, if I handle you enh…you go enjoy yourself well well. Make we find one place. Then I go show you.”
Have you ever watched Tom and Jerry? You know how Tom runs through the wall sometimes, leaving behind the shape of his body, like a cut-out?
That was the way I wanted to leave the cab. But real life, no be cartoon. I kuku shut up and pretended to agree. Until we got to a military checkpoint like a minute later. As he slowed the car to a crawl, I rolled down the window fully, opened the door and started shouting.
“Help! Soldiers help o! This man is a rapist. Help me!”
Caught unawares by my outburst, Oga Driver suddenly stepped on the brakes.
I didn’t waste any time. I opened the door fully and flew out of the car. Alerted, two soldiers started walking towards us, guns held at an angle.
“Yei!” the foolish driver shouted, recovering from his surprise. He gave me one frightened look, then stepped on the accelerator and sped away.
As I write this, I’m still speechless. But I’ve still got a customer to meet.
*off to take a cab*