Senate President, Say What?

So, here we have lawmakers who have taken off time from faffing around in the (dis)hallowed chambers, taking a trip on what I hope are their personal funds to go and visit a “heart and healthy”, (If you are a “Barrister” Solomon Dalung superfan like I am), president in London.

We have been repeatedly told that our President is “hale and healthy”, and then just as repeatedly told that he needs our prayers – seriously, I am not understanding. Look at me now, I am in my house, heart and healthy (because… Dalung superfan), and I am not soliciting anyone’s prayers.

Why do I have to pay your salaries and allowances to remain in a “heart and healthy condition”, AWOL from your place of primary assignment on some quest or the other which you have refused to divulge the purpose of to me, and then I have to be blackmailed into praying for you again?

Chai, why do I feel this cheated?

See ehn bros Adebukola, I don’t know who sent you to London and I don’t know what you went there to do, but there are certain things fifteen million Nigerians voted in the President for, and none of them is to be forming “witty and healthy” “inside the abroading”, while the rest of us are here shuffering and shmiling in an economy that has been renamed after him.

Hint: The president of what used to be Africa’s Largest Economy being witty and healthy is NOT an achievement. Employees of the Buhari Media Centre, please take note.

Just to jog your memory a little bit, these are the things we voted him in for:

1. To bring naira to a par with the dollar: And just so you know, I have one N100,000 like that in my savings account that I have refused to touch. I am just biding my time and waiting for the day N1 is equal to $1 as promised by the witty one, to withdraw it and be rich.

Ammo make it rain, baby.

So please, epp us to tell him to quit being witty and come home and come and work. My N100,000.00
and I, are waiting for him.

2. Fuel at N45/litre: Okay, I know you might say that it was Prof Tam David-West that promised that and not him, but take a good look at my face.

*squints eyes*

Am I smiling? Do I look like I want to be splitting those hairs with you
right about now? No? Good.

He doesn’t need to be witty. If my memory serves us well, he was sold to us because of an INABILITY to produce chills. Anyone remembers the first official presidential portrait? Yeah? So, we don’t care if he has suddenly found some chills and decided to be “witty”, let him know we all just lost our own chills too.

He should come back and come and do this fuel sontin for us, biko!

3. One meal a day for school students: Okay, I admit this has actually been achieved but in a rather unexpected, convoluted, roundabout way.

We didn’t know he meant to include the whole family in this one-a-day meal arrangement thing, o. We actually thought it was going to be one EXTRA meal a day for the children.

I guess the lesson in all this, is to read the fine print. We Nigerians need to learn to read the fine print.

Whatever sha, we are not smiling. We voted for one EXTRA meal a day for our children and not one SOLITARY meal a day for the entire family.

Wittiness won’t solve this one, a rolling up of the sleeves and getting down to business would.

4. Electricity 25 hours a day, 8 days a week…

So, need I tell you that the three-in-one Minister does not seem to understand his mandate? He probably had a slip of tongue or else once again, we did not read the fine print and so missed out on where he said “pretend” Electricity 24 hours a day, etc…

Okay so whatever it is, we are buying petrol at a price over three times what we were promised, to run electricity generating sets that we now purchase at a markup of over 250%, to self-govern ourselves and our homes and all the Senate President can tell us is that our President is “witty”

Why?

What is keeping him in such high spirits?

Is it our suffering that is making him so witty?

See, since he is healthy (at least by yours, Lie-nus Mohammed’s, Femi Adesina’s and my favourite minister “Barrister” Dalung’s admittance), then he should stop playing truant and come back to his duty post.

We are not witty, what gave him the impression he is allowed to be.

As far as i am concerned, the President knew what he was getting into when he ran for election as president for 4 consecutive electoral seasons and won at the fourth attempt. Pray tell, did he not know he was coming to work?

Now wey the work wan be like say e wan pass am, he run go jands dey form “heart and healthy” for us.

Who sent him?

Bia, Ogbeni Saraki, if you have finished whatever it was that took you to London, biko pack your bag and come back home. You too have work to do back home, you are not being handsomely compensated for bringing back health reports on the president’s state of mind.

And as for the “ana mu acho oru furu oru gbanaga”, please tell him that we are happy he is witty, but we want to be as witty as he is too. So we do not want any further news about his wittiness or healthiness.

The fact that he is in obvious rude, good health has been over emphasised by his otimkpus and amplified by the BMC crew.

Because he is so healthy, we are also not praying for him.

We just want him to come home and come and finish what he started.

No escape route.

#EndOf…

Glossary:

Ana mu acho oru furu oru gbanaga – My dictionary is broken, please try again later. Tenkiu.

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One Thought to “Senate President, Say What?”

  1. Nene

    My gosh!!!! Viola is epic!!!!!!

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